~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Whisper
A woman and her 4-year-old son where at church. Her son yells out, "Mommy I have to go pee." She says, "Shhhh, we don't say that. We say 'I have to whisper'." Her son says, "Okay."
The very next week the little boy and his father where at church. His son leans over and says, "Daddy, I have to whisper."
His dad says, "Just whisper in my ear."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For the Sick
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" Mom asked.
"Yes."
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Baseball In Heaven
Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it's me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brothers
There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.
The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with:
"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bingo
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.
"A priest! Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd - no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
"A priest, please," the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.
"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says a in solemn voice:
"B-2. I-21-. O-66. G-53. N-35. . ."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tradition
During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting.
The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up.
The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98-year-old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation.
The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?" The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."
The one whose followers sat asked, "Is the tradition to sit during Shema?" The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."
Then the rabbi said to the old man, "The congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand."
The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "THAT is our tradition!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Something Religious
A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, "Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog and it has eliminated all our visibility."
The passengers were numb with fear, except for one - a retired minister. "Now, now, keep calm," he said. "Let's all bow our heads and pray."
Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray, except one man. "Why aren't you bowing your head to pray?" the minister asked.
"I don't know how to pray," replied the passenger.
"Well, just do something religious!" instructed the minister.
The man got up and passed his hat down the aisle, taking an offering.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Minister
After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?"
"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thou Shalt Not Kill
A Sunday School teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat, one boy (the oldest of a family of seven) answered, "Thou shalt not kill."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Big Bucks
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And, it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
False Teeth
The congregation liked their new clergyman, but were somewhat puzzled by his speaking style. His first sermon ran only 8 minutes; the second Sunday he spoke for 45 minutes; the third week he rattled on for an hour and a half. That was enough for the Board to summon him for a little chat.
To their relief, Wilkerson had a ready explanation. "The Saturday before the first sermon, I had my teeth pulled and my mouth was still terribly sore. But, by the time a week had gone by, I'd gotten used to my new dentures."
Here the minister paused, and blushed deeply. "And as for last Sunday well, I'm afraid that I picked up my wife's set of teeth by mistake!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Come Quickly
What with sermon preparations and anxiety, the new preacher had gotten very little sleep the week before he was to address his flock for the first time. So by Sunday morning, he was both exhausted and extremely nervous.
Nevertheless, he managed to make it up the few steps onto the platform and into the pulpit. However, he had barely begun his presentation when everything he had planned to say flew right out of his mind. In fact, his mind went totally blank. Then he remembered that in seminary they had taught him what to do if a situation like this ever arose:
"Repeat your last point, and let it remind you of what's coming next." Figuring this advice couldn't hurt, he recalled the very last thing he'd said, and repeated it:
"Behold," he quoted, "I come quickly." Still his mind was blank. He thought he'd better try it again, "Behold, I come quickly." Still nothing. He tried it one more time. In his panic, he pronounced the words with such force that he lost his balance, fell forward, knocked the pulpit to one side, tripped over a flower arrangement, and fell into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.
Flustered and embarrassed, he picked himself up, apologized profusely, and started to explain what had just happened.
"That's all right, young man," said the little old lady kindly. "It was my fault, really. You told me three times you were on your way down here. I should have just gotten out of your way!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Another Flood
A new flood is foretold and nothing can be done to prevent it; in six days the waters will wipe out the world.
The leader of Buddhism appears on TV and pleads with everyone to become a Buddhist; that way, they will at least find salvation in heaven.
The Pope goes on TV with a similar message: "It is still not too late to accept Jesus," he says.
The Chief Rabbi of Israel takes a slightly different approach: "We have six days to learn how to live under water."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Conversion Class
At the first session of a conversion class the minister conducting the class asked, "What must we do before we can expect forgiveness from sin?"
After a long silence, one of the men in attendance raised his hand and said, "Sin?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HMO
Three nurses died and went to Heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. To the first, he asked, "So, what did you used to do back on Earth? Why do you think you should be allowed to come into Heaven?" "I was a nurse at an inner city hospital," she replied. "I worked to bring healing and peace to many sufferers, especially poor, helpless children. "Very noble," said St. Peter. "You may enter." And in through the Gates she went.
To the next, he asked the same question, "So, what did you used to do?" "I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in the Amazon basin," she replied. "For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many people across numerous tribes, with a hand of healing and peace, and with the message about God`s love." "How touching," said St. Peter. "You, too, may enter." And in she went.
He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, "So, what did you used to do back on Earth?" After some hesitation, she explained, "I was just a nurse at an HMO." St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, "Ok, you may enter, too." "Whew!" said the nurse. "For a moment there, I thought you weren`t going to let me in."
"Oh, you can come in," said St. Peter, "but you can only stay for three days."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Floods
This old geezer lived near the Ohio River, and in the recent floods, he was washed away and his friends and family feared that he'd drowned. Miraculously, though, a state trooper pulled him out and his life was saved.
The old geezer lived many more years, but unfortunately he kept telling everyone how he survived the Ohio River floods until they were bored to tears.
Finally the old geezer died and went up to heaven. St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates and said, "Welcome to Heaven! We'd like you to be eternally happy, so if there's anything you'd like to do, anything at all, just tell me and we'll fix it up for you."
"Thanks," said the old geezer. "I'd sure like to tell a bunch of folks about how I survived the Ohio River floods."
"No problem," said St. Peter. "I'll make the arrangements and get back to you."
A few days later, St. Peter contacted the old geezer and took him to the lecture hall where he was to give his talk. They both waited backstage while the audience got settled, and the geezer was pleased to see that it was rather a large crowd.
Then St. Peter grabbed the old geezer's arm. "Now, I don't want to make you nervous, but I've just spotted Noah in the crowd."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Profit
People say, "A penny for your thoughts" but, on the other hand, they say they want to give you their "two cents worth." Seems to me, somebody's making a profit on the deal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Partner
The businessman called his less than ambitious son into his office and announced he had decided to make him a full time partner in the company.
"Which part of the company would you like to be in charge of, son?" he asked.
"Well," the son answered, "I don't like working in the shipping department, and I don't like being in sales, and I'd rather not be in the bookkeeping department--"
"Listen," the father said, "as a full partner, what would you like most?"
"Hmmm," the son pondered, "I guess, most of all, I'd like you to buy me out."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sea Monster
Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on the ship.
A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything on board.
The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again capsized it and ate everything.
Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?"
Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself once I start. Everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Burial or Cremation
I was in a church meeting where the topic "Burial or Cremation?" was discussed. Two of the people got rather worked up.
One said to the other, "If you have yourself cremated, all you will be doing is making an ash of yourself!"
The other replied, "Well, I'm told that petroleum comes from fossilized bones, so if you have yourself buried all you will be doing is making a fuel of yourself!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Farming Problem
Farming Problem Some Polish people decide to start a chicken farm. They get some chickens and plant them in the ground, headfirst. When all the chickens die, the farmers are somewhat confused, but they don't give up.
They get some more chickens, but these are planted feet-first. It takes a little longer, but eventually the second batch of chickens die, too.
They decide to write a letter to the Polish agriculture bureau. In the letter they explain in detail the procedures they have followed and their disappointing results.
A few weeks later they receive this reply from the bureau: "Before we can advise you, please send us a soil sample."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Messianic Sign
A few years ago the Pope visited New York and was taken around by Henry Kissinger. They visited the Bronx Zoo and Kissinger showed the Pope one cage where a lion was with a young lamb, which snuggled up next to the lion.
The Pope was amazed. "For 2000 years, we've prayed for signs of the messianic era and the prophesy that the lion will lie down next to the lamb. I see you must really be a man of peace. How did you do it?"
To which Kissinger replied, "All it needs is a new lamb a day."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heaven
A man decided to write a book about churches across the United States. First, the man visited a church in California. During his tour of the magnificent building he noticed a golden telephone on a wall with a sign that read $10,000 a minute".
Intrigued, he asked about the phone and was told that the golden phone was a direct line to Heaven that could be used to talk directly to God.
Next, the man visited a church in New York. Again, he noticed exactly the same type of phone, with exactly the same sign on it. Sure enough, upon inquiry, he was informed that it was a direct line to Heaven and could be used to talk directly to God.
Continuing his tour through many other states, he found the same golden telephone with the very same sign and was repeatedly told the same story, until, finally, upon arriving at a church in North Carolina, he spotted the usual golden telephone however, with a different sign. This time, the sign read "Calls 25 cents." He quickly found the preacher and said to him, "I have traveled in many cities all across the country, and in each and every church I visited I found this same golden telephone, was told that it was a direct line to Heaven, and that I could talk to God. But, in all the other churches across the country, the charge was $10,000.00 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"
The preacher smiled at him and said "My son, that's very easy to explain. You see, you're in North Carolina now and, of course, it's a local call from here."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Noah's Ark
The Lord said to Noah, "In six months, I'm going to make it rain until the earth is covered with water and all the evil is destroyed. I want you to build an ark and save two of each animal species. Here are the blueprints for the ark." Six months passed. The skies began to cloud and rain began to fall. Noah sat in his front yard, weeping. "Why haven't you built the ark?" asked the Lord. "Oh, forgive me," said Noah. "I did my best, but so many things happened. "The blueprints you gave me didn't meet the city's code and I had to change them. Then the city said I was violating the zoning ordinance by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance.. "The Forest Service required tree-cutting permits, and I was sued by a state animal rights group when I tried to gather up the animals. "The EPA required an environmental impact statement concerning the flood. the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plain. "The IRS seized all my assets, claiming I was trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and the Equal Opportunity Commission said I wasn't hiring enough Croatians. "I'm sorry, Lord, but I can't finish the ark for at least five years." Suddenly the rain stopped, the skies cleared and the sun began to shine. Noah looked up and said, "Lord, does this mean you're not going to devastate the earth?" "Right," said the Lord. "The government already has."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Catholic Story
The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The Angels come running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, crying to himself and muttering, "An 'R'! The scribes left out the 'R'." A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, asks him what the problem is and what does he mean. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'. They left out the 'R'. The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Goldberg Nails
There was a wealthy Jewish man who owned a nail company. His only son had just graduated from college and the father wanted to get him involved in the company. He initially farmed the young man out to each of the departments; first research & development, then manufacturing, then sales, and in each the son was a dismal failure. Determined to find a place for his offspring, the father decided that his son needed his own project.
So the father placed his son in charge of the new advertising campaign. He told him that he would have no supervision and that any and all resources which he needed would be placed at his disposal. The son was elated and immediately set off to make his father proud.
Four weeks later the son proudly proclaimed, "I have finished!" and he and his father went out to examine the first product of the new campaign: a billboard. As they drove to the sight, the son explained how he had been blocked until a sudden insight had leaped into his head. They turned the corner and to the father's horror the billboard portrayed Christ on a cross with the caption: "Even Then They Used Goldberg Nails." The father explained to the son that they couldn't portray Christ on across as it might offend their Christian clients. Dejected, the son said that he would fix the problem and report back to his father.
One week later the son again exclaimed that he was "finished," and took his father off to see the billboard. Sure enough, Christ was no longer on the cross; he was lying at the base of the cross and the caption read: "This Wouldn't Happen With Goldberg Nails
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judaism Vs Christianity
The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness" said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths." The Pope thought is was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Have we not," he asked "a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?" "None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal; then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match." Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the world-class golfer. "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope. "Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous." "There's bad news?" the Pope asked. Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Religious Programmers
Between moments of dispensing wisdom, it seems that historical religious leaders had also learned software programming. One day, a great contest was held to test their skills. After days and days of fierce competition, only two leaders remained for the last day's event: Jesus and Mohammed. The judge described the software application required for the final test, and gave the signal to start writing code for their program. The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines, classes, applets and applications flew by on their screens at incredible speeds. Windows, dialogs, and other intricate graphics began forming on their monitors. The clock showed that the contest would soon be finished. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning flashed and the power went out. Both contestants computers shut down. After a moment the power came back on -- just in time for the clock to announce that the final competition was over. The judge asked the two contestants to produce their finished software. Mohammed was furious. He shouted, "This is an outrage! I have lost all my work in the power outage. The judge turned to the other competitor, Jesus Christ. Jesus smiled, clicked his mouse and a dazzling application appeared on his computer screen. After just a few moments, the judge was clearly impressed and declared Jesus the victor. When asked how his decision was made, the judge pointed out the unique characteristic that set Jesus apart from all the other religious leaders: Jesus saves.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wrong Address
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a buisness trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick E-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her E-mail address, he did his best to type it from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter in the E-mail address and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her E-mail, she took one look at the computer monitor and let out a scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: "Dearest Wife, just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Priest's Blessing
Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic Priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and, sure enough, the blessed horse came in first.
Charlie followed the Priest before the next race. Again, the Priest went to the stables and blessed another horse. Charlie quickly put two dollars on that horse and won close to fifty bucks! The Priest kept blessing horses and Charlie kept betting on them and they won!
The last race of the day was the biggest and Charlie saw the Priest with that horse, also! He quickly went to his bank and withdrew his life's savings of $20,000, went back to the racetrack and put it all on that horse!
He watched the race in certain anticipation of leaving a millionaire. The horse was last to cross the line and Charlie was dead broke! He couldn't believe what happened so he went looking for the Priest.
He found the man and asked, "What happened to that last horse you blessed? Because your blessing didn't work, I've lost all of my money!"
The Priest said "That's the trouble with you protestants, you can't tell the difference between a blessing and the Last Rites!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The River
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said,
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river".
With even greater emphasis he said,
"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said,
"And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile,
"For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Walking on Water
A priest a rabbi and a baptist minister were in a boat in the middle of the lake. The priest said: "I have to go to the bath room." He got out of the boat walked across the water and went to the outhouse on the bank. He then walked back across the water and got back into the boat.
The rabbi said: "I have to go to the bathroom." He got out of the boat walked across the water to the outhouse on the bank. He then walked back across the water and got into the boat.
Soon the baptist minister had to go to the bathroom. He thought to himself if they can walk across the water so can I. He got out of the boat and sank to the bottom of the lake.
The priest turned to the rabbi and said: "Should we have told him about the stepping stones?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spell a Word
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table.
Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her:
"Hello. How are you? We've been waiting for you. Good to see you." When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked. "Love." The woman correctly spelled "l-o-v-e," and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation, and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him. "Which word?" her husband asked. "Czechoslovakia