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The Number of the Beast
OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know:
$665.95......................Retail price of the Beast
$699.25......................Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax
$769.95......................Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
$656.66......................Walmart price of the Beast
$646.66......................Next week's Walmart price of the Beast
00666.........................Zip code of the Beast
1-666.........................Area code of the Beast
1-900-666-0666............ Live Beasts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute.
660............................Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVI.....................Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000.....................Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666 .........................Number of the Millibeast
/ 666..........................Beast Common Denominator
666 ^(-1).....................Imaginary number of the Beast
1010011010..................Binary of the Beast
Phillips 666..................Gasoline of the Beast
$6.66 9/10....................Price of a Beast gasoline
Route 666....................Way of the Beast
666 F.........................Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k..........................Retirement plan of the Beast
6.66%........................5 year CD rate at First Beast National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
i66686........................CPU of the Beast
666i.......................... BMW of the Beast
DSM-666.....................Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
668............................Next-door neighbor of the Beast
666 mg........................Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
Lotus 6-6-6...................Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66....................Word Processor of the Beast
6 h. 66 min....................Beast Standard Time (BST)
Boeing 666....................."A jet for the Beast Age"
Beverly Hills 66666..........Beast's favorite TV show
6/6/66..........................The birthdate of the Beast
666-66-6666..................The Social Security number of the Beast
6666............................The PIN of the Beast
25.806975.....................The square root of the Beast
Motel 666......................Beast Western
Windows 96 ver.666.........OS of the Beast
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Morbus Sabbaticus
Morbus Sabbaticus, or Sunday Sickness, is a disease peculiar to church members. The attack comes on suddenly on Sundays. No symptoms are felt on Saturday night; the patient sleeps well and awakes feeling well; eats a hearty breakfast, but about church time the attack comes on and continues until services are over for the morning. The patient feels easy and eats a hearty dinner. In the afternoon he feels much better and is able to take a walk, automobile ride, go visiting, talk politics and read the papers; he eats a hearty supper but about church time he has another attack and stays home. He retires early, sleeps well, and awakes on Monday morning refreshed and able to go to work. He does not feel any of the returned symptoms until the next Sunday.
The peculiar features are as follows--
1. It attacks members of a church.
2. It never makes its appearance except on Sunday.
3. The symptoms vary, but never interfere with appetite and sleep.
4. It never lasts more than 24 hours.
5. It generally attacks the head of the family and continues to spread until every member is affected.
6. No physician is ever called.
7. It always proves fatal in the end to the soul.
8. No remedy is known for it except repentance and prayer.
9. Real heart-felt salvation is the only antidote.
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ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW---FROM NOAH'S ARK
1.Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
2.Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.
3.Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done.
4.Build on high ground.
5.For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
6.Two heads are better than one.
7.Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.
8.If you can't fight or flee -- float!
9.Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
10.Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.
11.Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.
12.Don't miss the boat.
13.No matter how bleak it looks, if God is with you, there's always a rainbow on the other side.
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Singing in the Choir
A church had a man in the choir who couldn't sing. Several people hinted to him that he could serve in other places, but he continued to come to the choir. The choir director became desperate and went to the pastor.
"You've got to get that man out of the choir," he said. "If you don't, I'm going to resign. The choir members are going to quit too. Please do something."
So the pastor went to the man and suggested, "Perhaps you should leave the choir."
"Why should I get out of the choir?" he asked.
"Well, five or six people have told me you can't sing."
"That's nothing," the man snorted. "Fifty people have told me that you can't preach!"
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Real Miracle
A newly converted hippie was very interestedly reading the Bible while waiting for transportation and every now and then would exclaim, "Alleluia, Praise the Lord, Amen" and on and on as he read on. A skeptic heard him and came and asked what he was reading. He answered" I am reading how God parted the Red Sea and let the Israelites go through--that is a miracle!"
The skeptic explained "Do not believe everything the Bible tells you. The truth of the matter is that that body of water was only really 6 inches deep - so it was not miracle." The hippie nodded in disappointment but kept on reading as the skeptic was walking away feeling proud that he had set the hippie straight. All of a sudden the skeptic heard the hippie let out a big "Alleluia, PTL".
At this the skeptic came back to him and asked, "What is it this time?" The hippie said excitedly in one breath, "This one is a real miracle, God drowned the whole Egyptian army in 6 inches of water!!!"
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Naval Efficiency
A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind.
The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.
He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- Make Sure The Captain Is Aboard Before Getting Under Way."
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The New Horse
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse.
The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine".
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.
The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle.
The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens-the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly.
Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong.
The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me-it's this bloody horse. What is he -- deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf - he's BLIND!"
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Not Feeling Well
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "My goodness, doc, exactly what's my problem?"
Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."
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Old Friends
Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. "I have a wife and three children and I'd love to have you visit us."
"Great. Where do you live?"
"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."
"Good. But tell me ... what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"
"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."
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Opening a Can
As an experiment, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are placed in separate rooms and left with a can of food, but no can opener. A day later, the rooms are opened, one-by-one.
In the first room, the engineer is snoring, with a battered, opened and emptied can. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he beat the can to its failure point.
In the second room, the physicist is seen mouthing equations, with a can popped open beside him. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he examined the stress points of the can, applied pressure, and "pop!"
In the third room, the mathematician is found sweating, and mumbling to himself, "Assume the can is open, assume the can is open..."
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The Pager
A mother takes her 5 year old son with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They get into line behind a rather obese lady wearing a business outfit complete with a pager. As the mother waits patiently her son looks at the women in front of him and observes loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's fat." At which the lady looks at the boy, makes eye contact with the mother and gives an understanding smile. The mother quietly reprimands her son. After a minute or two the boy spreads his hands as far as they will go and loudly says, "I bet her butt is *that* wide." At this the lady glares at the little boy and his mother and the embarrassed mother severely scolds her son. Again after a couple of minutes the boy states loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt." The lady turns and tells the mother to control her rude child and the mother threatens him with his very life and existence. Things in the bank are quiet. The lady gets to the front of the line when her pager begins to emit its distinctive tone at which the little boy yells in panic at the top of his voice, "Run for your life Mom, she's backing up!!!!"
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Parking
A guy had been unemployed for several months and unable to find a job. After numerous applications, he was finally invited to a downtown business for a job interview. Upon arriving downtown, he was unable to find a parking spot near the building where he needed to go. Thinking that someone parked along the curb near the building where he needed to go would surely be leaving soon, he circled the block. After 20 minutes of pure frustration in not finding a parking spot he decided to park at a red curb, rather than be late for his interview. Prior to leaving his car, he wrote this note and placed it on the windshield:
Dear Officer,
I have been driving around this block for twenty minutes. If I don't do this it means my job. FORGIVE US OUR DEBTS!!!
The man proceeded into the building where the interview went really well. Upon returning to his car, he noticed a parking ticket on the windshield. Next to the ticket was a note that read:
Dear Sir,
I have been driving around this block for twenty years. If I don't do this it means my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION !!!
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Good Wife
A man and his wife were cruising a Virginia highway in their Corvette at a rather high speed one day. A blue light brought them to a halt. The Virginia Trooper says, "I clocked you at 80 mph, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 65, perhaps your radar needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting, his wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know very well the cruise control has been broken for a year." As the officer makes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out a second ticket for the illegal radar detector, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,"Dang woman, shut your mouth! NOW!" The officer frowns and says, "And, I notice you're not wearing your seat belt, sir, that's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over to get my license out of my back pocket." And the wife says, "Now dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on, you never wear your seat belt when you're driving the Corvette." As the officer makes out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU KEEP YOUR BIG, FAT MOUTH SHUT?" The officer looks over at the woman and says, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" "Oh heavens no, officer, only when he's been drinking."
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The Millionare with Alligators
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed.
He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!
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The Gate Is Broken
St.Peter was checking the gate beween Heaven and Hell and found a broken hinge. He walked over to the "Pit" and called to the Devil...The Devil says, "Yeah, whaddya want..?", St. Peter: "The hinge is broken and it's your turn to fix it.." . The Devil retorted: "Gee, I am a bit busy and don't have anyone available for this.." , St. Peter got angry, "Look, we have an agreement, and it's your turn to fix the gate..!" , The Devil responded, "Sorry Pete, it's our peak season and there just isn't anyone available..." St. Peter turned red and exclaimed..."Ok, if that's the way you want it, we'll sue..!" A big grin broke out on the Devil's face, "Oh yeah, and just where are you going to find a lawyer...?!"
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The Sin Of Lying
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
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Comments At Your Funeral
3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!
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The Bible
There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible." He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?" She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible." He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him." replied the lady.
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The Florist's Mistake
On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." "But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." "Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper. "'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply.
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God Will Provide
A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar." he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her clothes, etc, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
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Living A Long Healthy Life
An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home was located. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" St. Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the World laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part - you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
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Diet
A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner.
The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed.
Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband did when he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"
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Offering
A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.
"It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate."
So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.
Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.
"Crap!" exclaimed the pastor.
It took them a week to clean the church..
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NT-OT and Coffee Pot
A man was walking up the street, when he passed by a Catholic Church. He noticed smoke pouring out of the building. He ran inside, and yelled to the Priest, "Father, Father!! Your Church is on Fire!" The Priest grabbed the New Testament, and ran out.
A little farther up the road, the man passed by a Jewish Synagogue. Smoke was pouring out of the building. He ran inside. "Rabbi, Rabbi!! Your building is on fire!", cried the man. The Rabbi grabbed the Old Testament, and ran out.
A little farther down, the man came by a Unitarian Universalist Church. It, too, was on fire. The man rushed inside. "Minister, Minister!! Your Church is on fire!", cried the man. The minister grabbed the coffeepot and ran out.
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New Moses
The Rabbi's wife called a psychiatrist and said, "My husband thinks he's the new Moses."
The doctor assured her that these delusions of grandeur were only a passing fancy.
"Okay," she responded. "But in the meantime, how do I keep him from parting the waters in the hot tub
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Star of David
Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions.
People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross.
Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled, and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.
A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says, "Young man. Don't you realize that this is Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."
The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says, "Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business?"
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Hail
The local church had hired a new choir director for the church choir. The church was undergoing some roof repairs, and as a result of the incomplete roofing, the church roof was uncovered with just the tin foundation.
Meanwhile, the poor choir director was struggling with the worse choral voices this side of the Mississippi. On Sunday morning, during the choir director's debut, the choir was sounding like sour grapes. All of a sudden, a fierce hail storm broke out, just as the choir was singing its last "amen".
With that, the minister stood up and look toward the roof top and said "It sounds like hail!"
The indignant Choir Director got up and cried out, "Won't you give me a break?! I'm doing the best that I can with these terrible voices!"
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Talk About Faith
Two nuns were driving along the highway when their car ran out of gas in front of a hospital.
They went into the hospital and asked about borrowing something to use for getting gas from the service station to the car. The hospital only had urinals to offer, so the nuns said, "Sure, that will work!"
As they were pouring gas out of the urinals into the car's gas tank, a motorist drove by said to his friend, "Talk about faith!"
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Secret Sins
Three pastors went to the pastor convention and were all sharing one room. The first pastor said, "Let's confess our secret sins one to another. I'll start - my secret sin is I just love to gamble. When I go out of town, it's cha-ching cha-ching, let the machines ring."
The second pastor said, "My secret sin is that I just love to drink. When I go out of town, I like to take a little nip of something."
The third pastor said, "My secret sin is gossiping and I can't wait to get out of this room!"
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Bats
Three priests were sitting around discussing how things were going at their respective parishes.
The first priest complains of a terrible bat infestation at his church, and it is soon apparent that this is something of an epidemic at all three parishes. After much discussion of all matters clerical, they go home for the night.
After a week or so, they meet again and discuss the bat problem.
Priest 1: I tried to get rid of my bats this week. I shot at them with my shotgun, but I think I damaged the belfry more than the bats! I still have no way of getting rid of them!
Priest 2: I tried another way. I couldn't bring myself to shoot them, after all they are God's creatures, so I went up with a big box. I knocked all the bats into the box with a stick and drove out to the forest where I released them. But they were back at the church before I was!
Priest 3: I've solved the problem. I did much the same thing. I had all the bats in the box, but before I released them, I baptized and confirmed every one of them, and they haven't been back since.
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Shall we Gather at the River
A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'."