~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mail to Son

Dear Son:

I'm writing this slow cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your Dad read in the paper where most accidents happen within twenty miles of the house, so we moved. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain,and haven't seen them since.

It's only rained twice this week. Three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send, your Aunt Sue said was too heavy to mail with all those big buttons on it so we cut them off and they're in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral, up she comes. Your Uncle Joe fell in the whisky vat yesterday -- some men tried to pull him out but he fought 'em all off and finally drowned. We cremated him right after and he's still burning good this morning.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck, one was driving, two in the back. The driver rolled the window down and swam out. The two in the back couldn't get the tail-gate open so they drowned too. Not much news this time, nothing much happens round here, will try to write more next time.

Love, Your Mama

P.S. Was gonna send you some money but already had this sealed up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Snail Benevolent Fund

A man is sitting down to read the paper when he hears a knock on his door. Upon opening the door the man is confronted by a snail on his doorstep.

"Good evening," says the snail, "I'm collecting for the snail benevolent fund. Would you care to make a donation?". The snail gets his reply as the man kicks him into the bushes.

Ten years later there's another knock at the door. Again, the man finds a snail on his doorstep. "That wasn't very nice!" exclaims the snail.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Good Cat

Once there was a really good cat who died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gates St. Peter met him and told him that because he had been a good cat on Earth he could have anything he wanted.

The cat had always wanted a big fluffy pillow like the one her master had on Earth so that was her request.

A few days later 4 really good mice died and went to heaven. Once again, St. Peter met them at the pearly gates and told them they could have anything they wanted for being so good.

They had seen children roller skating on Earth and thought that sounded like fun so they requested roller skates.

A few days later St. Peter decides to go check on the cat and make sure all is well with her. When he arrives at her pillow he asks her, "Is the pillow the right type? Are you comfortable? Do you need anything else?"

To which the cat replied, " The pillow is wonderful and those meals on wheels are terrific!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The greatest man that ever lived.

A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class, "Who was the greatest man that ever lived?" A girl raises her hand and says, "I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country." The teacher replies, "Well...that's a good answer, but that's not the answer I am looking for." Another young student raises his hand and says, "I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the civil war." ... "Well, that's another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for." Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, "I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived." The teacher's mouth drops open in astonishment. "Yes!", she says, that's the answer I was looking for." She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop. Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. He says "Why did you say, 'Jesus Christ'?" The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, "I know it's Moses, and YOU know it's Moses, but business is business."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why do spouses stay together?

FIREFIGHTER: "We don't let hot spots become five-alarms."

CARPENTER: "A good foundation is important."

TEACHER: "Still learning about each other."

PRINTER: "We duplicate our fine points on a good bond.

ASTRONOMER: "We don't make little novas into Big Bangs."

CHIROPRACTOR: "We straighten out the kinks before they become painful stains."

ELECTRICIAN: "There's always some sparkling and arcing, but we keep our hot side grounded.

INNKEEPER: "Warm accommodations, pleasant atmosphere, privacy."

LAWYER: "We sustain each other."

ATHLETE: It takes 110%, but no pain, no gain."

DENTIST: "A nice smile, first thing in the morning and last thing at night."

PHARMACIST: "Love is the best medicine, and we keep a child-proof cap on our tempers."

TRUCKER: "It's a long, hard road without a good buddy."

GOVERNMENT CONTRACTOR: "A good partner is worth billions."

MAIL CARRIER: "Daily communication."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Assembly Language Codes

Assembler programs are written with short abbreviations called MNEMONICS, in other words instead of writing GOTO, the programmer writes JMP or even BRA (branch). These instructions are frequently abbreviated into total incomprehensibility.

Of course, we all know that abbreviations are arbitrary. Anyone who has spent any time programming in assembler knows that all computers can be programmed using an undocumented set of instructions. Frequently when an error is made writing a program in assembler a user can actually see the program executing the undocumented instructions.

These instructions vary from machine from machine, but all computers have a certain set of them in common. As a service to humanity, I am here revealing these common instructions for the first time.

ARG : Agree to Run Garbage

BDM : Branch and Destroy Memory

CMN : Convert to Mayan Numerals

DDS : Damage Disk and Stop

EMR : Emit Microwave Radiation

ETO : Emulate Toaster Oven

FSE : Fake Serious Error

GSI : Garble Subsequent Instructions

GQS : Go Quarter Speed

HEM : Hide Evidence of Malfunction

IDD : Inhale Dust and Die

IKI : Ignore Keyboard Input

IMU : Irradiate and Mutate User

JPF : Jam Paper Feed

JUM : Jeer at Users Mistake

KFP : Kindle Fire in Printer

LNM : Launch Nuclear Missiles

MAW : Make Aggravating Whine

NNI : Neglect Next Instruction

OBU : Overheat and Burn if Unattended

PNG : Pass Noxious Gas

QWF : Quit Working Forever

QVC : Question Valid Command

RWD : Read Wrong Device

SCE : Simulate Correct Execution

SDJ : Send Data to Japan

TTC : Tangle Tape and Crash

UBC : Use Bad Chip

VDP : Violate Design Parameters

VMB : Verify and Make Bad

WAF : Warn After Fact

XID : eXchange Instruction with Data

YII : Yield to Irresistible Impulse

ZAM : Zero All Memory

PI : Punch Invalid

POPI : Punch Operator Immediately

RASC : Read And Shred Card

RPM : Read Programmers Mind

RSSC : Reduce Speed, Step Carefully (for improved accuracy)

RTAB : Rewind Tape and Break

RWDSK : ReWind DiSK

SPSW : Scramble Program Status Word

SRSD : Seek Record and Scar Disk

WBT : Water Binary Tree

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Teaching Greek History

The scene is in Romania just after the Communist revolution. Overnight people who were nobody were prompted to crucial positions simply because they had previosly been members of the Communist party.

The lesson for that afternoon was ancient Greek History. The teacher paused to ask the class a question. "Now tell me, Joseph, who was it who stole the horse of Troy?"

Joseph gulped, stood up and said, "Please, sir, I didn't take it"

"Stupid boy" said the teacher. He slammed his books on his desk and walked out of the classroom and into the Principal's office.

"Our civilization is dead" said the teacher with conviction, "I am teaching about the history of Greek civilization, I ask Joseph who stole the horse of Troy and he said HE didn't!"

The Principal, who two weeks previously sold newspapers for a living said, "Comrade, listen to me, I have known Joseph and his father for many, many years, if Joseph said he didn't steal it, he didn't steal it."

The teacher said, "I can't stand it" and stormed out of the school. He went into a local wine bar, ordered a wine, sat down and began to collect his nerves.

The Director of Secret Police was in the bar also drinking wine and knew the teacher. He strolled over. "Why so glum, comrade?"

The teacher told the Director of Secret Police the story of stupid Joseph and the more stupid Principal. The Directory of Secret Police listened with sympathy, nodded and at the end said, "You are quite right, comrade, our civilization is dead."

Nothing further happened until four o'clock the following morning when the teacher's telephone rang. He answered to hear the voice of the Director of Secret Police. "That was a very disturbing tale you told me today in the wine bar, comrade. After hearing it we brought Joseph and his father in for questioning. They have signed a confession. Joseph did steal it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Who Is Most Religious?

A Jew, a Christian, and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the most religious.

"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the Muslim. Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we were being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah. I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred metres all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite the Quran by memory."

"One day while fishing," started the Christian, " I was in my little dinghy in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ. I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 300 metres all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young children about Him."

"One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew, " I was in my most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city. Suddenly I saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my hand inside and found that it was full of cash. I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on the Sabbath. But I did not lose my faith in my G-D! I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 500 metres all around me, it was Tuesday... "

King David admits of adultery, murder of servant.

Jerusalem--In a stunning admission of guilt last night King David acknowledged that he had an "inappropriate relationship" with Bathsheba, the wife of his loyal servant Uriah the Hittite, which resulted not only in her pregnancy but in the betrayal and murder of Uriah as he fought in the Royal Army during the Ammonite War.

David made the confession after it was clear that his confidant Nathan T. Prophet, who had been subpoenaed by indepedent counsel H.A. Seytan, would cooperate with the investigation into the affair. It is rumored that Prophet has received inside information from a source in "high places" about David's involvement in the scandal.

"Have mercy on me, O God," a contrite David said in his speech. "Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin." While some believe the sincerity of his plea, many question whether David's confession is just another "song and dance" he has written for inclusion in his growing collection of Psalms. Temple insiders admit that because of the "immoral" nature of David's actions, they are now debating whether his Book of Psalms can even be included in the sacred canon.

Independent Counsel Seytan, rebounding from his failed probe into Job's faith claims, said in a statement today that he feels vindicated by the recent turn of events. Because he is still completing his report into the Bathsheba affair, Seytan declined further comment. He did say before disappearing in a puff of smoke that he intends to "get to the bottom" of the enigmatic claim made by the King last night when he also admitted that he "was born guilty, a sinner when my mother conceived me." "If the King's been guilty for that long," Seytan said, "I wonder what else he's trying to hide."

Although Seytan's report will not be released for another few weeks, pundits speculate that it may force the King to resign. Legal experts say the Bathsheba affair, with its adultery, murder, and coveting, violates at least three of the Ten Commandments. Political foes of David, who have questioned his kingship since his involvement in the mysterious death of Goliath T. Giant, argue that the King has never been fit for office. "I've seen the Messiah," one senior prophet said on background. "The Messiah is a vision of mine, and believe me, King David is no Messiah."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Three Trees

Once upon a mountain top, three little trees stood and dreamed of what they wanted to become when they grew up. The first little tree looked up at the stars and said: "I want to hold treasure. I want to be covered with gold and filled with precious stones. I'll be the most beautiful treasure chest in the world!" The second little tree looked out at the small stream trickling by on it's way to the ocean. "I want to be traveling mighty waters and carrying powerful kings. I'll be the strongest ship in the world!" The third little tree looked down into the valley below where busy men and women worked in a busy town. "I don't want to leave the mountain top at all. I want to grow so tall that when people stop to look at me, they'll raise their eyes to heaven and think of God. I will be the tallest tree in the world."

Years passed. The rain came, the sun shone, and the little trees grew tall. One day three woodcutters climbed the mountain. The first woodcutter looked at the first tree and said, "This tree is beautiful. It is perfect for me." With a swoop of his shining axe, the first tree fell. "Now I shall be made into a beautiful chest, I shall hold wonderful treasure!" The first tree said.

The second woodcutter looked at the second tree and said, "This tree is strong. It is perfect for me." With a swoop of his shining axe, the second tree fell. "Now I shall sail mighty waters!" thought the second tree. "I shall be a strong ship for mighty kings!"

The third tree felt her heart sink when the last woodcutter looked her way. She stood straight and tall and pointed bravely to heaven. But the woodcutter never even looked up. "Any kind of tree will do for me." He muttered. With a swoop of his shining axe, the third tree fell.

The first tree rejoiced when the woodcutter brought her to a carpenter's shop. But the carpenter fashioned the tree into a feedbox for animals. The once beautiful tree was not covered with gold, with treasure. She was coated with saw dust and filled with hay for hungry farm animals.

The second tree smiled when the woodcutter took her to a shipyard, but no mighty sailing ship was made that day. Instead the once strong tree was hammered and sawed into a simple fishing boat. She was too small and too weak to sail to an ocean, or even a river; instead she was taken to a little lake.

The third tree was confused when the woodcutter cut her into strong beams and left her in a lumberyard. "What happened?" The once tall tree wondered. "All I ever wanted was to stay on the mountain top and point to God..."

Many many days and nights passed. The three trees nearly forgot their dreams. But one night, golden starlight poured over the first tree as a young woman placed her newborn baby in the feedbox. "I wish I could make a cradle for him." her husband whispered. The mother squeezed his hand and smiled as the starlight shone on the smooth and the sturdy wood. "This manger is beautiful." she said. And suddenly the first tree knew he was holding the greatest treasure in the world.

One evening a tired traveler and his friends crowded into the old fishing boat. The traveler fell asleep as the second tree quietly sailed out into the lake. Soon a thundering and thrashing storm arose. The little tree shuddered. She knew she did not have the strength to carry so many passengers safely through with the wind and the rain. The tired man awakened. He stood up, stretched out his hand, and said, "Peace." The storm stopped as quickly as it had begun. And suddenly the second tree knew he was carrying the king of heaven and earth.

One Friday morning, the third tree was startled when her beams were yanked from the forgotten woodpile. She flinched as she was carried through an angry jeering crowd. She shuddered when soldiers nailed a man's hands to her. She felt ugly and harsh and cruel. But on Sunday morning, when the sun rose and the earth trembled with joy beneath her, the third tree knew that God's love had changed everything. It had made the third tree strong. And every time people thought of the third tree, they would think of God. That was better than being the tallest tree in the world.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Learning Spirituality from a Dog
(copyright 1996 Donald E. Lindman)

Have you ever noticed that "dog" is "God" spelled backward? And those of us who have canine companions understand why...a dog in many ways is a reflection of the attributes of God, particularly the attributes of forgiveness, patience, and grace. I'm particularly struck by the fact that when I come home beaten by life and by parishioners, with my family mad at me and me not even feeling very good about myself, the dog is there to greet me, tail wagging, a smile on his face, saying with all his body language that "even if the rest of the world thinks you're junk, I think you're great!" That's grace!

Which leads my meandering mind to a story:

An old man lived with his hound-dog, Mace, in a run-down shack on the outskirts of town. He had no family and only a few meager possessions: a table and chair, a bed, a bag of hand tools, and his dog. He used the tools to do odd jobs in town, for which he usually would be paid enough to get food for the next day. Mace and his master lived from one day to the next on what little these jobs would bring in.

The dog was just a normal hound, with one exception: while most dogs like to chew on grass occasionally, Mace loved it. When the old man was in town, Mace would spend the day in the yard in front of the house, chewing away on the lawn.

One bright, sunny day the old man said goodbye to his dog and headed in to town to work. He had a plumbing repair job in one of the homes there that would take him most of the day and would probably pay enough for food for the remainder of the week, if he managed the money carefully. He headed for town with a spring in his step and a whistle on his lips.

Inside the house and ready to start, the old man reached in the bag for his wrench. To his surprise he didn't feel it. He dug around again, but there didn't seem to be any wrench. He looked in the bag, then dumped its contents on the floor, but still no wrench. Reality set in. Without a wrench he couldn't finish the job, and without the pay he couldn't even buy food for supper, let alone tomorrow.

When he finally came to grips with reality, he told the lady who hired him what the situation was. While she sympathized with his situation, the job needed to be done. If the old man couldn't do it, she would have to hired someone else.

The old man packed up his tools and headed home, head bowed and shoulders stooped. The whistle was gone and no longer was there a spring in his step. A walk that normally took 15 minutes seemed to last forever. But finally the old shack came into view, and there was Mace in the distance, munching away as usual on the lawn.

When the dog saw his master, he came running, tail wagging, telling the old man how glad he was to see him. Kneeling beside the hound, the man began to pet him, and through ear-filled eyes told the dog that there would be no supper tonight and no food for tomorrow. What's more, without money to buy a new wrench, he had no idea what the future held. It was the loneliest, most helpless feeling he had ever had!

Then he caught a glimpse of something shining in the grass. As the old man cover to see what this piece of shining material was, his despair turned in an instant to joy! It was the wrench! The old man had dropped it on his way out that morning, and it would have been lost forever had Mace not been eating farther away from the house than he usually did!

The old man grabbed the dog, gave him a hug that almost suffocated him, and ran into the house. Reaching for a stub of pencil and the only piece of paper he had, he wrote a moving tribute to his canine companion.

Few people have ever heard these words...until now, that is. One man who did happen to read them changed them a bit and has his name recorded in music history. The old man never did get the credit he deserved. But now you on rehu are privileged to read the beginning line of his original poem, which went: "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let There Be Peace - A Modern Parable

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. Used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.

A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Perfect Pastor [a chain letter] ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Phone Calls

The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.

"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.

"It's my direct line to the Lord!"

The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges." The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in.

He checks the counter on the phone and says: "All right! The charges were 100,000 Lira."

The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills.

A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official "visit". In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone.

The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges.

The Rabbi looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel 50!"

The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!"

The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Professional

A woman was getting a pie ready to put into the oven when the phone rang. It was the school nurse: Her son had come down with a high fever and would she come and take him home?

The mother calculated how long it would take to drive to school and back, and how long the pie should bake, and concluded there was enough time. Popping the pie in the oven, she left for school.

When she arrived, her son's fever was worse and the nurse urged her to take him to the doctor. Seeing her son like that -- his face flushed, his body trembling and dripping with perspiration -- frayed her, and she drove to the clinic as fast as she dared.

She was frayed a bit more waiting for the doctor to emerge from the examining room, which he was doing now, walking toward her with a slip of paper in his hand. "Get him to bed," he told her, handing her the prescription, "and start him on this right away."

By the time she got the boy home and in bed and headed out again for the shopping mall, she was not only frayed, but frazzled and frantic as well. And she had forgotten about the pie in the oven.

At the mall she found a pharmacy, got the prescription filled and rushed back to the car . . . . . . Which was locked. Yes, there were her keys, hanging in the ignition switch, locked inside the car.

She ran back into the mall, found a phone and called home. When her son finally answered, she blurted out, "I've locked the keys inside the car!" The boy was barely able to speak. In a hoarse voice he whispered, "Get a wire coat hanger, Mom. You can get in with that."

The phone went dead. She began searching the mall for a wire coat hanger -- which turned out not to be easy. Wooden hangers and plastic hangers were there in abundance, but shops didn't use wire hangers anymore. After combing through a dozen stores, she found one that was behind the times just enough to use wire hangers.

Hurrying out of the mall, she allowed herself a smile of relief. As she was about to step off the curb, she halted. She stared at the wire coat hanger. "I don't know what to do with this!"

Then she remembered the pie in the oven. All the frustrations of the past hour collapsed on her and she began crying. Then she prayed, "Dear Lord, my boy is sick and he needs this medicine and my pie is in the oven and the keys are locked in the car and, Lord, I don't know what to do with this coat hanger. Dear Lord, send somebody who does know what do with it, and I really need that person NOW, Lord. Amen."

She was wiping her eyes when a beat-up older car pulled up to the curb and stopped in front of her. A young man, twentyish-looking, in a T-shirt and ragged jeans, got out. The first thing she noticed about him was the long, stringy hair, and then the beard that hid everything south of his nose. He was coming her way.

When he drew near she stepped in front of him and held out the wire coat hanger. "Young man," she said, "do you know how to get into a locked car with one of these?"

He gaped at her for a moment, then plucked the hanger from her hand. "Where's the car?"

Telling the story, she said she had never seen anything like it -- it was simply amazing how easily he got into her car. A quick look at the door and window, a couple of twists of the coat hanger and bam! Just like that, the door was open.

When she saw the door open she threw her arms around him. "Oh," she said, "the Lord sent you! You're such a good boy. You must be a Christian."

He stepped back and said, "No ma'am, I'm not a Christian, and I'm not a good boy. I just got out of prison yesterday."

She jumped at him and she hugged him again - fiercely. "Bless God!" she cried. "He sent me a professional!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SATURN
By Phillip Cage

A DIFFERENT KIND of CAR.
A DIFFERENT KIND of COMPANY.
A DIFFERENT KIND of RELIGION.

Back in 1982, General Motors created a new division of automobiles as a way to combat the soaring Japanese import market. GM named this division Saturn after the rockets that put the United States ahead of the Soviet Union in the race to the moon. Between July of 1990, when the first production line Saturn was made, and June of 1995, over one million Saturns were manufactured. An All-American company putting out a quality product that the consumer has embraced. Nothing more.

Or so they would have you believe...

Saturn has recently become famous for its quirkiness. They take your picture with the car you buy and hang it on the wall while every employee cheers. Nothing wrong with a little customer appreciation BUT...

I began to get a little suspicious about Saturn when I noticed a few of my Saturn owning friends with the same gleaming look of ignorance in their eyes. They seemed to have lost their personalities. I tried talking to them, tried to find out what was wrong, and no matter what we talked about the conversation would always lead to their Saturns. Finding no answers from them, I decided to take a ride to the local Saturn dealership. I was greeted by smiling salesmen, not unlike any other car dealership. They told me how wonderful Saturn was and why I should choose to own one. Nothing wrong with that. Then they left me alone. No pressure, no hard-sell, nothing. This left me utterly speechless. So I walked around the lot for about twenty minutes, looking over my shoulder constantly for vulturic salesmen. None were to be found. Finally, I couldn't take it any longer and went back inside the dealership. I talked to one salesman who told me that two months after he bought his first Saturn he became a Saturn salesman. Just like the commercials. He told me how reliable his car had been, how good its resale value was, specs, and other facts he thought I'd find interesting. Only then did I see the same look in his eyes that my friends had. I told him I'd think it over and as I left he shouted, "Hope to see you soon. We'd love to have you as a part of the Saturn Family!" Visions of Jim Jones and Charles Manson danced through my head.

I headed home and decided I knew nothing more than what I knew at the beginning. I decided to try the 'Net. I found Saturn's homepage and went exploring. That was my awakening.

What did I find? A photograph of a guy with the Saturn logo tattooed on his leg. The Saturn CarClub. Letters from satisfied customers. An account of the Saturn Homecoming.

That's when I realized Saturn was more than just an automobile manufacturer. It was a religion.

First of all, by joining the Saturn CarClub, Saturn promises you "the chance to make new friends. Companionship through a shared obsession." For only $30 a year (TITHE), Saturn will give you a road atlas, a travel services packet, a key fob, a T-shirt, a window decal which is "a not so secret signal between you and those in the know," and a membership handbook (BIBLE) which contains "all the guidelines for CarClub membership, plus a few ideas for getting your own club up and running." (i.e. what our religion is all about and how you can go about preaching our word)

The Letters section was as equally thought provoking. It contained a letter from a woman who gave her car a birthday party at the dealership, a letter about two Saturn owners marrying and the bride's father stating, "I'm not losing a daughter, I'm gaining a Saturn," and a letter containing a sonnet (PSALM). I knew that these people were not normal. They were all under the intense hallucinatory drug known as religion.

But I still had to find out for sure. I posted several messages in different USENET threads, most often receiving replies that I was insane. It wasn't until recently when I checked my email that I found out the truth.

It was from a man who had sent an anonymous email to me. He simply stated that I was "treading in waters you have no business being in. The Saturnites will not be pleased that you have found out the truth."

I went back to the same USENET groups, posted messages to the mystery person because I needed to talk to him. I received another email from him to meet me in an AOL chat room the next evening.

Due to the recent Scientology scandal, he made me swear that I would not reveal his identity, as he feared the consequences from the Saturnites, as he called them. The only personal item I am allowed to divulge is that he was once an official in the Church.

First he gave me the background information: Saturn emerged from the primitive ooze of Earth only to find out he was all alone. He created other creatures (mankind), animals, and scenery to keep him company. His only conditions for their survival: that all creatures were blissful and all shared a common bond. What he chose as the bond were rings. The skin at the joints on mankind's fingers beared these rings. The skin at the joints on the animals' claws beared these rings. The trees beared these rings. Everything on the planet beared these rings. For thousands of years, mankind was blissful and mankind bore these rings. But then Jesus, Mohammed, and some other religious leaders came along, and some people stopped believing that Saturn was their God. Saturn, not wanting to make these people unhappy by making them believe that he was their God, left Earth. He created a planet with rings around it (Saturn) to be his home. Slowly, mankind's rings at the joints of their fingers separated. Indentions were left on both sides of the joints, but the connection was gone. Mankind slowly forgot about Saturn

By 1982, the Earth was in turmoil. Mankind was slowly killing itself and Saturn could not bear to watch any longer. He knew he had to return mankind to its once blissful state. Of course, he knew he couldn't just come down to Earth and announce that he was their real God. Mankind was more jaded now than when he first created it. He knew the only way to reach mankind: Consumerism. He chose a man, a young engineer, and came to him in a dream. He told the man the true history of the Earth and how he was the man's God. He told the man that he needed his help to spread his word. He told the man to create a product that would bring everyone back to him. When the young man awoke from his dream, he looked to his hands and saw that his rings had been reconnected.

It just so happened that the young man he contacted was an engineer at General Motors. He had been assigned to a committee whose purpose was to create a car to steer consumers back to General Motors. The young man decided to combine this with something to steer consumers back to Saturn. Thus, Saturn, the car, was born.

Years passed and the automobile was finally released to the public. Through creative advertising and subliminal messages, the automobile became a huge hit. By making the car owners feel like they were part of a community, they were slowly reverting back to their original blissful states. Some of the owners' rings began reconnecting.

That is basically the ideology behind the Saturn religion. The employees (executives, salesman, factory workers, etc.) make the consumer feel loved when they purchase the Saturn automobile. When enough people buy Saturn automobiles and their rings are reconnected, Saturn will return to Earth and convert the rest of the population. At least that's what they believe.

Next time you see a Saturn owner, just look at his/her fingers. Get a good look. And then smile at them knowingly.