~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE PASTOR'S PLIGHT

The pastor of a church is in a precarious position; he can't please everyone! It has been said:

If he is young, he lacks experience; if his hair is grey, he's too old for the young people.

If he has several children, he has too many; if he has no children, he's setting a bad example.

If he preaches from his notes, he has canned sermons and is too dry; if he doesn't use notes, he has not studied and is not deep.

If he is attentive to the poor people in the church, they claim he is playing to the grandstand; if he pays attention to the wealthy, he is trying to be an aristocrat.

If he suggests changes for improvement of the church, he is a dictator; if he makes no suggestions, he is a figurehead.

If he uses too many illustrations, he neglects the Bible; if he doesn't use enough illustrations, he isn't clear.

If he condemns wrong, he is cranky; if he doesn't preach against sin, he's a compromiser.

If he preaches the truth, he's offensive; if he doesn't preach the truth, he's a hypocrite.

If he fails to please somebody, he's hurting the church and ought to leave; if he tries to please everyone, he is a fool.

If he preaches about money, he's a money grabber; if he doesn't preach spiritual giving, he is failing to develop the people.

If he drives an old car, he shames his congregation; if he drives a new car, he is setting his affection on earthly things.

If he preaches all the time, the people get tired of hearing one man; if he invites guest speakers, he is shirking his responsibility.

If he receives a large salary, he's mercenary; if he receives only a small salary, well-it proves he isn't worth much anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: \mstv.dinn.//08.5min@@50%heat//

Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap.

This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items.

If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '2000. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lunch, the HP Way

This is the story of a different kind. No melting CPU's, no screaming disc drives, just the kind of psychological torture that scars a man for life. I had a 9:00 meeting with my sales rep. I needed to buy an entire new series 70, the works. He said it'd take about an hour. Three hours later, we'd barely got the datacomm hardware down on paper, so he invited me downstairs for lunch. This was my first experience in an HP cafeteria. Above the service counter was a menu which began... MMU's (Main Menu Units)

0001 Burger. Includes sesame-seed bun. Must order comdiments 00110A separately...001--Deletes seeds... 002--Expands burger to two patties.

00020A Double cheeseburger, preconfigured. Includes cheese, bun and condiments. 001 Add-on bacon. 002 Delete second patty. 003 Replaces second patty with extra cheese.

00021A Burger Upgrade to Double Cheeseburger..001 From Single Burger. 002 From Double Burger. 003 Return credit for bun.

00220A Burger Bundle. Includes 00010A, 00210A and 00310A 001 Substitute root beer 00311A for cola 00310A.

My eyes glazed over. I asked for a burger and a root beer. The waitress looked at me like I was an alien. "How would you like to order that, sir?" "Quickly, if possible. Can't I just order a sandwich and a drink?" "No sir. All our service is menu driven. Now what would you like?" I scanned the menu. "How big is the 00010 burger?" "The patty is rated at eight bites." "Well, how about the rest of it?" "I dont have the specs on that, sir, but I think it's a bit more." "Eight bites is too small. Give me the Double Burger Upgrade." My sales rep interrupted. "No, you want the Single Burger option 002 'expands burger to two patties'. The double burger upgrade would give you two burgers." "But you could get return credit on the extra bun," the waitress chimed in, trying to be helpful, "although it isn't documented."

I looked around to see if anybody was staring at me. There was a couple in line behind us. I recognized one of them, a guy who nearly mowed me down in the parking lot with his cherry-red '62 Vette. He was talking to some woman who was waving her arms around and looking very excited.

"What if... we marketed the bacon cheeseburger with the vegetable option and without the burger and cheese? It'd be a BLT!"

The woman charged off in the direction of the telephone, running steeplechases over tables and chairs. My waitress tried to get my attention again. "Have you decided, sir?" "Yeah, give me the double burger- excuse me, I mean the 00020A with the option 001. I want everything on it." She put me down for the Condiment Expansion Kit, which included mayonnaise, mustard and pickles with a option to substitute relish. "Ketchup." I hated to ask. "I want ketchup on that, too."

"That's not a condiment, sir, it's a Tomato Product." My sales rep butted in again. "That's not a supported configuration."

"What now?" I kept my voice steady. "Too juicy. The bun can't handle it." "Look. Forget the ketchup, just put some lettuce and tomatoes on it."

The waitress backed away from the counter. "I'm sorry, sir, but that's not supported either, the bun can take it but the burger won't fit in the box.

The sales rep defended himself. "Just not at first release." "It is being beta-tested, sir."

I checked the overhead screen. Fries, number 000210A, option 110. French followed by option 120, English. "What the hell are English Fries?" I turned to the sales rep. "Chips they call them. We sell a lot of them."

I gave up. "OK, OK just give me a plain vanilla Burger Bundle." The confused the waitress profoundly. "Sir, Vanilla as an option is configured only for series 00450 Milkshakes." My sales rep chuckles. "No ma'am, he just wants a standard 00220A off the shelf. I wondered how long it had been on the shelf. I didn't ask. "Very good, sir." The waitress breathed a sigh off relief. "Your meal is now on order. Now how would you like it supported?"

"Support?" She directed me to the green shaded area at the bottom of the menu, and I began a litany with my Sales Rep that I'll never forget.

"Implementation assistance?" "You get a waiter."

"Implementation analysis?" "You tell him how hungry you are and he tells you what to eat."

"Response Center Support?" "He brings it to your table."

"Extended materials?" "You get refills."

I stuffed some money at the waitress and told her to take it. She gave me my check on three sheets of green-bar paper. I studied it on my way to the table, and decided it'd pass as an emergency napkin.

Table? My Sales Rep had been bright enough to order us a table. He hadn't been bright enough to check on a delivery date. The table waiter slouching in his corner surveyed the crowded room, looked at me and said, "Two weeks.

But I can get you a standalone chair by the window right away." I handed him the tray. A woman rushed up to me with two small cups of chile and sauerkraut for the hot dog somebody else had ordered. The room began to grow dim, my eyesight faded... I woke up clutching the water-glass at my bedside table. It was five AM, four hours till my meeting with HP. I had had a vision, I did what it told me to do. I dialed my office, and I called in sick.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

USEFUL COMPUTER ACRONYMS

PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI: System Can't See It
DOS: Defunct Operating System
BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
DEC: Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW: World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN ON THE COMPUTER TOO LONG WHEN...

...when asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
...when you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
...you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
...your wife says "If you don't turn off that &% machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the "or else" clause.
...you try to sleep, and think: sleep(8 * 3600); /* sleep for 8 hours /
...you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page.
...after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number...
...you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want.
...not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your network address faster than your postal one.
...you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window.
...you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
...you look for a trash can icon for throwing garbage.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PEANUTS ON THE COFFEE TABLE

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few" he asks. "No, not at all" the woman replied. They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. "I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few." "Oh that's all right" the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

POSTMAN'S FINAL POSTING?

A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.

The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life - he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.

Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!" She responds, "You think your day was bad, the Mailman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

______ PILOTS

There were two ______ pilots flying a 747 passenger airplane into the Chicago O'hare airport asking for clearance to land. The message came back to proceed to land on runway #2. They maneuvered the plane around and began their decent towards the runway. Just as they they were about to touchdown the pilot pulled up and radioed in to the control tower that the runway was just too short and that they would have to land on a longer runway. So the control tower told them to proceed to runway #7. Once again just as they where about to land they pulled up again because the runway was too short. The control tower had just about had enough so they told them that they wre to land on runway #9; that it was the longest runway in the whole U.S. and that they had to land it. So once again they circle around and begin to decend. He looks at the runway and just knows it's too short but he decides that he has no choice so he tries to land it. As soon as his tires hit the pavement he squeels on the brakes and puts the engine in full reverse just barely stopping inches away from the end of the runway. As he breaths a sigh of relief he turns to his co-pilot and says, "man, that's the shortest runway I've ever landed on before," then looking side to side says, "but look how wide it is!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A BUS DRIVER'S TALE A Bus Driver's Tale A young man gets a job as a bus driver for the Sesame Street School Company. Boy is he excited! It's his first day on the job. He arrives at his first stop, opens the doors and looks out at his first passengers. And there he sees a mother and her two daughters. The mother looks into the bus and says, "You're new aren't you?" The bus driver says, "Yes ma'am, I am." She says, "Well, I'd like you to meet my two little girls. This is Patty Sue and this is Patty Anne." And when he takes a good look at the girls, he simply can't believe his eyes. These kids are big. Really big. I'd like to be kind, but these girls are fat. The mother says, "Now Patty Sue and Patty Anne are big for their age..." He keeps his tongue under control. She says, "I'd like you to give my two little girls individual seats of their own on your bus." "No problem," he says, as the two girls squeeze down the aisle and find their seats. He closes the door and drives to the next stop.

He opens the bus doors and he sees a mother and her young son. The mother looks at him and says, "You're new, aren't you?" He says, "Yes, ma'am, I am." She says, "Well, I'd like you to meet my son Josh. He's very special." And he looks down at what can only be described as the nerd to end all nerds. The boy wears thick glasses with white tape holding them together. He has pencils in his shirt pocket. He has the shortsleeved dress shirt. He has the white socks and sandals. The mother says, "My Josh is very special. I want you to give him a very special seat on your bus. I want him to sit up front every day." "No problem," says our driver, as Josh proudly seats himself right up front. The bus driver closes the door and goes to the next stop.

He opens the bus doors and sees a mother and another little boy. The mother looks at him and says, (you guessed it) "You're new aren't you?" He says, "Yes, ma'am, I am." She says, "Well, my name is Mrs. Cleese, and this is my son Lester." And when the driver looks at Lester, it's a pitiful sight to behold. The poor little guy obviously has foot problems. He's limping painfully. The mother says, "Lester has problems with his feet." The driver nods sympathetically. The mother says, "I want you to help Lester as he gets on and off your bus everyday, so that he will not trip, stumble, or fall." The driver says, "No problem," and he helps Lester limp to his seat.

And then, as he closes the bus doors and drives away, he sees in his rearview mirror that Lester has removed his shoes and socks and is picking at the largest, most grotesque bunions he has ever seen. It's disgusting, the way that Lester picks at his feet. Our driver shudders and drives on. He delivers the kids to school and returns to the bus barn. He parks the bus and finds his supervisor. He walks right up to the boss and yells, "I QUIT!" The boss says, "Whaddya mean, you quit?" The bus driver replies, "There's no future in this job." The boss says, "What are you talking about?"

And the bus driver answers, "Well here's my problem. How could I take a job where all I would have to look forward to every day would be TWO OBESE PATTYS, SPECIAL JOSH AND LESTER CLEESE PICKING BUNIONS ON A SESAME STREET BUS?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FORREST GUMP IS AT IT AGAIN

Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective Heavenly Soul must answer three questions.

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".

2. How many seconds are in a year?

3. What is God's first name?

Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered..

1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow."

2. There are 12 seconds in a year."

3. God has two first names and they are Andy and Howard."

Saint Peter said, "OK I'll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, your answer is correct. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why did you ever think that God's first name was either Andy or Howard?"

Forrest responded, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc......"

OK, I give" said Saint Peter, "but what about the God's first name stuff?"

Forrest said "Well, from the song... Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own...? and the prayer... Our Father who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name...."

Saint Peter let him in without further ado.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TRAVELING SOON?....BEWARE...

What to Do With Hotel Soap

The following letters were taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of it's guests. The Hotel submitted the letters to the London Sunday Times for their humor column.

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,

S. Berman

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested.. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid

Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.

Your regular maid,

Dotty

Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.Thank you.

Elaine Carmen

Housekeeper

Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.Thank you,

Elaine Carmen,

Housekeeper

Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder

Assistant Manager

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen

Housekeeper

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:
On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3. On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4. Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist. On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JUDGE WITH A PAST

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial....a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when in truth you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHO FEELS THE WORST?

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most: his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me." All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin." The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that." The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE DYING WIDOW

A very busy corporate lawyer was called out of an important meeting to the bedside of an extremely wealthy widow who was one of the firm's most prestigious clients. She was also known for her devoted Christian faith. He was ushered into her bedroom, and asked, "What can I do for you, Mrs. ------- ?"

"Just come and stand beside my bed," she said. He did so. About five minutes later, a lawyer from another firm that served the widow's family interests was brought in. She instructed him to stand on the other side of her bed. After 15 or 20 minutes of standing virtually motionless, with no further indication of what either man had been called in to do, the first lawyer said,

"Mrs. --------, I don't want to neglect you at a time like this, but I left a very important meeting to come here, and I really should be getting back. I'm sure Mr. (the other lawyer) has a busy schedule, too. Is there anything you need either of us to do before we go? We'll be glad to take care of any concerns you have at this time."

The widow said, "No. I'm dying, and I don't need any more legal services. What I want you to do for me now is to stand where you are until I'm gone, because I've always wanted to die like my Lord did --- between two thieves!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BIRTH ORDER

My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children:

Feeling the Baby Move

First Child: I placed my hand on my wive's tummy every chance I could for two months waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby move. Hours upon hours I waited until that magic moment when, I felt this little movement. We called all of our relatives to tell them about the blessed experience.

When it first happened, my wife called me at the office. I quickly ran home and felt the baby move. We included the experience in all of our letter to our family.

She told me the baby moved. I told her I would check it our during the next commercial break. I missed out because her mother called on the telephone so I went on watching Monday night football. By the end of the third quarter, I finally felt the baby move.

We were in bed and I was trying to sleep. I turned to her and said "Cant you make your tummy stay still? I'm trying to sleep." When it became clear that the baby would be jumping around for a while, we called the pizza man for a delivery.

The Trip to the Hospital

First Child:Every time we felt the slightest B&H contraction, we rushed to the hospital. I would carry my wife to the car and lay her down in the back seat surrounded by pillows.

Second Child: We timed the contractions. By the time she had three in thirty minutes, we rushed to the hospital. She sat in the front seat, with it leaned back and a pillow behind her head and another at her feet.

Third Child: I came home from the office as soon as she started having regular contractions. When they were five minutes apart and hard, we went to the hospital. I gave her a pillow to hold along the way.

Fourth Child: When she called me at the office and told me that she was having contractions hard and five minutes apart, I told her to drive to the hospital. I would meet her there as soon as I finished the set of correspondence I was working on. I reminded her not to forget the pillows.

The First Step

First Child: My wife grabbed the camera. I grabbed the Video Camera. My wife took four rolls of film. We immediately ran out to the one-hour developing place and had all four rolls developed with double prints. We had the best picture blown up to 24" X 36" and framed. We hung it up in the entry hall. I had a professional studio turn the four hours of video I taped into a one-hour documentary complete with voice-over by a local anchor-man.

Second Child: We took one roll of film and five minutes worth of video. The next day we took the film and had it developed by a twenty-four hour developing center. I took the best picture and put it into my wallet.

Third Child: We couldn't find the video-camera and we only had five shots left on the roll of film. We took all five shots but I don't remember if we ever got the roll developed.

Fourth Child: I quickly got up and grabbed the camera. I placed it up high so the child wouldn't grab it.

The First Time the Child Fell and Got a Cut

First Child: My wife and I frantically ran over to the child. We swept him up and rushed him to the emergency room. No stitches were needed but we spent the night with him in his room just in case the bleeding started again.

Second Child: We walked over to her, picked her up and quickly bandaged her up. We spent the next two hours rocking her in the living room to comfort the pain.

Third Child: I told my wife that if he was still crying in a couple of minutes, we should go over and make sure he isn't hurt too badly. When he didn't stop crying, we bandaged up the cut and laid him in his bed for a while but we went on about our business.

Fourth Child: Put a bandage on the cut and told him it'd get better after he stopped crying.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CAN YOU GIVE ME A PUSH?

A man is in bed asleep with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down on the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help. The right thing to do would be to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, dresses, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."