~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Do You Know That .... ?

If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom

The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary,is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The only other word with the same amount of letters is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural. Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the largest anagrams.

Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Ben and Jerry's send the waste from making ice cream to local pig farmers to use as feed. Pigs love the stuff, except for one flavor: Mint Oreo.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubble's Maiden name was Betty Jean Mcbricker.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die, they need gravity to swallow.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life".

It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again. [Yum!]

Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past their king. This custom has become the modern military salute.

Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar with "Midnight Cowboy." Her entire role lasted only six minutes.

Charles Lindbergh took only four sandwiches with him on his famous transatlantic flight.

Goethe couldn't stand the sound of barking dogs and could only write if he had an apple rotting in the drawer of his desk

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie.

'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand [on the QWERTY keyboard].

The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after Grover Cleveland's baby daughter, Ruth.

Armadillos have four babies at a time and they are always all the same sex.

Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy.

To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs -- it will let you go instantly.

Reindeer like to eat bananas.

A group of unicorns is called a blessing.
Twelve or more cows are known as a "flink."
A group of frogs is called an army.
A group of rhinos is called a crash.
A group of kangaroos is called a mob.
A group of whales is called a pod.
A group of geese is called a gaggle.
A group of ravens is called a murder.
A group of officers is called a mess.
A group of larks is called an exaltation.
A group of owls is called a parliament.

Physicist Murray Gell-Mann named the sub-atomic particles known as quarks for a random line in James Joyce, "Three quarks for Muster Mark!"

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

The phrase "sleep tight" derives from the fact that early mattresses were filled with straw and held up with rope stretched across the bed frame. A tight sleep was a comfortable sleep.

"Three dog night" (attributed to Australian Aborigines) came about because on especially cold nights these nomadic people needed three dogs (dingos, actually) to keep from freezing.

Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy. The skipper's real name on Gilligan's Island is Jonas Grumby. It was mentioned once in the first episode on their radio's newscast about the wreck.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape.

Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been overmixing the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float.Customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated, and it has floated ever since.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.

The Sanskrit word for "war" means "desire for more cows."

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

The average secretary's left hand does 56% of the typing.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."

All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

Almonds are members of the peach family.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

Mr. Rogers was an ordained minister.

John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

3 Contractors

Three contractors were touring the white house on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they each replied that they were contractors the guard said "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid."

So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without so much as moving the contractor says $2700.

The guard, incredulous looks at him says "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Farmers Comparison

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks,

"And what are those"? The Aussie asks with an incredulous look,

"Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THIS CRAZY LANGUAGE

Let's face it --English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb thru annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Work vs Prison

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own loo.
At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.

At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Visual Effects

/r/e/a/d/i/n/g/ = reading between the lines

dice dice = paradise

he's / himself = he's beside himself

ecnalg = backward glance

death / life = life after death

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PC Cars

Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon".

In response to Bill's comments, GM issues a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five time as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent on the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

9. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand-McNally road maps (now subsidiary of GM), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

11. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

12. You would press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

INTRODUCTION TO CHINESE

Ai Bang Mai Ne: "I bumped into the coffee table"

Ai No Pei: "I have a press pass"

Chin Tu Fat: "Have you considered a face lift?"

Dum Gai: "A stupid person"

Dung On Mai Shu: "I stepped in excrement"

Fat He: "An unattractive person"

Gun Pao Der: "An ancient Chinese invention"

Hao Long Wei Ting: "When is the bus due?"

Hia Dei Kum: "Stand by to repel boarders"

Hu Flung Dung: "Which one of you fertilised the field?"

Hu Yu Hai Ding: "Are you harbouring a fugitive?"

Jan Ne Ka Sun: "A former late night talk show host"

Kum Hia: "I'd like to talk to you"

Lao Ze: "Not very good"

Lao Ze Sho: "Gilligan's Island"

Lei Loh: "Keep out of sight"

Lei Tsho: "Midnight television programme"

Li Loh: "A temporary bed"

Lin Ching: "An illegal execution"

Ming Toy: "Plaything belonging to ancient emperor"

Moon Lan Ding: "One small step for man"

Ne Ahn: "A lighting fixture used in advertising signs"

Noh Pah King: "Tow-away zone"

Noh Tsmo King: "Cigarettes are hazardous to health"

Noh Wei Ding: "Keep out of the pond"

Shai Gai: "A bashful person"

Shu Man Go: "Your body odour is offensive"

Tai Ni Bei Bi: "A premature infant"

Tai Ni Po Ni: "A small horse"

Ten Ding Ba: "Serving drinks to people"

Wan Bum Lung: "A person with TB"

Wah Shing Kah: "Cleaning the family car"

Wai Go Nao: "Do you really have to leave?"

Wai So Dim: "Who turned off the light?"

Wai Yu Kum Nao: "I thought the meeting was next week"

Wai Yu Mun Ching: "I thought you were on a diet?"

Wai Yu Shao Ting: "There is no reason to raise your voice"

Wai Yu Sing Dum Song: "Don't you know anything by Cole Porter?"

Yu Mai Te Tan: "Your vacation in Hawaii agreed with you"

Yu So Dim: "You aren't very bright"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THINGS YOU HAVE TO KNOW

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards.

The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."

The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."

Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten. The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead".

Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."

Camel's milk does not curdle.

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.

Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.

The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.

Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.

All porcupines float in water.

Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

If you take a raccoon's head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town hall, you are entitled to receive $10.00 from the town.

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

Non-dairy creamer is flammable.

The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)

Texas is also the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at the same height as the U.S. flag.

The only nation who's name begins with an "A", but doesn't end in an "A" is Afghanistan.

When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror. The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

GRANDMA SPEAKS

A lawyer called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the lawyer for the defence?"

She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire city. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both lawyers to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED

I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. [Age 39]

I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up. [Age 13]

I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. [Age 46]

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. [Age 82]

I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. [Age 24]

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. [Age 65]

I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. [Age 50]

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. [Age 53]

I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. [Age 7]

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. [Age 62]

I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth,

I've seen several. [Age 73]

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. [Age 64]

I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. [Age 29]

I've learned that wherever I go, the worlds worst drivers have followed me there. [Age 29]

I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. [Age 49]

I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending them a little card. [Age 44]

I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. [Age 13]

I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. [Age 9]

I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict. [Age 15]

I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. [Age 66]

I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. [Age 58]

I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. [Age 72]

I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night". [Age 7]

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. [Age 41]

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch--holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. [Age 85]

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. [Age 92]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE B.C.

My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation she finally came up with the old-fashioned term "bathroom commode." But when she wrote that down, she still felt that she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter, and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C. "Does the campground have its own B.C.?" is what she finally wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all, and when he got the letter he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business really stumped him. After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, but no one could imagine what the lady meant, either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam: I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to learn that a great number of our people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. If you don't start early, you probably will not make it in time. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C. I would like to say it pains me very much not being able to go more often, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

KITCHEN QUOTE

A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen And This Kitchen Is Delirious

No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes

A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life

Help Keep the Kitchen Clean - Eat Out

Housework Done Properly Can Kill You

Countless Numbers Of People Have Eaten In This Kitchen and Gone On To Lead Normal Lives

My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE KEYBOARD RESTAURANT MENU

\&&&&&&&/ Pretzels!

\66666666/ Shrimp!

\********/ Popcorn!

^<**>^ ^<**>^ Hot steamed Maryland blue crabs : )

\_><{{{{">_/ Whole Fish Soup!!

[Notice how the eyes follow you around the room!]

[::] [::] [::] [::] Fig Newtons

(#) (#) (#) Warm Peanut butter cookies

\--------/ Chicken soup for all your sick friends

(@) (@) (@) Fresh Cinnamon Rolls!

OooOOoOooO Onion rings

[:::] [:::] [:::] French toast sticks with powdered sugar

=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D# Celery

\__/ \__/ Chinese Take Out

\ ) ) ) ) ) / (~~~~~) Chips and Dip

@@@@ (_) (_) (_) Chocolate Chip cookies and Moo juice ;)

(|=3D=3D=3D|)(|=3D=3D=3D|) Hot dogs

(m) (m) (_) (_) M&M's and Koolaid

o o o o o Single AND O O O O O Double Stuff Oreos!

<) <) <) <) <) Pizza!

c(__) c(__) Steaming mugs of hot cocoa!

[|||]D [|||]D Root Beer!

(_)D (_)D Freshly brewed coffee!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Addicted to Coffee
You know you are addicted to coffee if ...

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people's fingernails. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

You don't sweat, you percolate.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

People get dizzy just watching you.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You short out motion detectors.

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

You ski uphill.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You answer the door before people knock.

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AGE IS A FUNNY THING

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you?.... "I'm four and a half" .... You're never 36 and a half .... you're four and a half going on five!

That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.

And then the greatest day of your life happens .... you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony .... you BECOME 21 ... YES!!!

But then you turn 30 .... ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk .... He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now.

What's wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40 ..... stay over there, it's all slipping away ........

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 ..... and your dreams are gone.

Then you MAKE IT to 60 ..... you didn't think you'd make it!!!!

So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60 ...... then you build up so much speed you HIT 70!

After that, it's a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday .... You get into your 80's, you HIT lunch. My grandmother won't even buy green bananas .... it's an investment you know, and maybe a bad one.

And it doesn't end there .... into the 90's you start going backwards .... I was JUST 92 ...

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again .... "I'm 100 and a half!!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AGRICULTURE SUBSIDY

Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir;

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.

If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.

Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,

PS: Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese.